Are we in a gay sports bar?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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