maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
