I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Help. Why am I so naked?
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