apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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