Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
