why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
