Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
