Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
