So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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