Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
