wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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