Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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