My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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