you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
