i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
i think my cat just said my name.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
