umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
