we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
