I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
