pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
