Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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