how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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