take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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