I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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