as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
