Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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