If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
