I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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