Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
