Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
accomplished twins. life is a go
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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