I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
