The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You took a bar mat shot.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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