I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
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Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
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it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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