You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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