You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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