My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
