Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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