I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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