My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize