They should really pass out barf bags in church
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I want to fling myself into the sun
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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