why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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