I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
