just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
