I need to stop coming to work sober
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My bed is full of blood and feathers
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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