Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
