So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
