dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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