I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
