Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
