You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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