I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
