Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
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He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
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Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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