Life is so much better after having sex.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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