I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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