I am spending my child support on dildos
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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