He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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