U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
wakey wakey hands off snakey
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just invented taco cereal.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
