dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Randomize
