thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Randomize
