Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
