He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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